i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Randomize
