We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
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