No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Randomize
