Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
the day after is always just damage control
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
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