Please, let me fuck your mom
To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Randomize
