If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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