im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Randomize
