she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
Dicks are not precious.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
He did a backflip because drugs
Randomize
