i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
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