you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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