I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
I smell stomach acid.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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