so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
you have to choose: penises or morals?
ok this is the part where i go up stairs and pass out incoherently untill 6 30 tommaorw morning and not rember any of this. love youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
