I cannot find my penis.
the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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