mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
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