My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
