Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
Just cropdusted the office
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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