Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
organizing the empties. That sober.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
