well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
hey, when you wake up, search yourself on youtube
my sister already found it, were watching it right now. i give it 2 thumbs up.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
