Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
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