Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
