Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
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