Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Randomize
