I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
Randomize
