my phone needs a breathalizer
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
Randomize
