Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
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