I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
Randomize
