I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
I asked you if you needed a ride and you kept saying "no, my name is katelyn"
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Randomize
