On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
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