Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
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