I'm so fucking centered right now
you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize
