today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
Randomize
