Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
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