She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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