I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Randomize
