I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Randomize
