you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
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