My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
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