John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
How naked do you want me to be?
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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