So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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