i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
