I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
I could fuck to npr.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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