guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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