I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
