so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
