If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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