I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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