took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
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