i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
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