just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
Randomize
