He can hate all he wants but were fucking with these crocs on
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
